Broke
Last night, Sunshine had enough. It wasn’t easy for her to leave, but she went to spend the night with a friend.
Yes, it hurt. Yes, I love her with my whole heart. But the relief of not having to cater to her every insecurity for one night was enormous. It got to where everything I said was mis-heard and everything I didn’t say was mind-read (incorrectly).
I don’t know where we are going from here. My life would be easier – and emptier – without her. I have enough money to live on if I’m not paying for the gas in her truck, it’s that simple. But simple isn’t always what we want, is it? Some logistics issues, finding her a place to live and paying for it, finding me a mattress and her a frame and boxspring… but are we breaking up, or is this just a get-away-from-it-all?
I’m sure she is reading this and thinking I don’t love her anymore. That is not true. Maybe we are supposed to not be living together, maybe she triggers some of the worst things in me, maybe I do that for her, but there is no doubt in my mind that we are still completely in love. However, she has made it clear over and over again that she wants to be in Nashville, a place I have no desire whatever to live in or near. I don’t know what we’re going to do about our conference next month or our convention in January, for which we already have tickets – my suggestion would be to go together anyhow. We love each other more than enough to spend a night or weekend together.
I’m trying to get ready for the Pagan Prison Ministry big bash, to be held Oct 27 — a complete Pagan Festival held within the walls of Foothills Correctional Facility in Morganton, NC. I have a workshop, another workshop of music, and probably a performance. Could be fun. Thanks to Darla Kay Wynne and all her perspicacity in making this happen.
Yes dear heart I know you love me. As far as the stuff we have paid for together convention in oct in murfreesboro and the convention for GAFilk, Yes Yes we should continue as planned its not that we do not love eachother or can not spend a night in the same bed hun. I know I am insecure and one of the things that I feel I need most is what you are not comfortable giving. I know you can blame the past just like I can for lots of issues but are we living in the past? I know these issues are not ones that can be solved over night or without one another but I think that I may have hit that point that I may need to be seperated and get to know me. I think I need a theraphy dog. An appartment or some kind of housing that will allow me to have a dog. Just live in my own skin for awhile. I am too dependant upon you and or others that I have lost me in that. We can still be a couple just not one that can live together at the moment.Transistion time rough patch in road we still want to be a couple just need to figure out what would be best for housing. I love you Moss.Hugs and blessed be.
@asunshine23 – A few points here, dear one. One is that I’m not JUST having past issues, I’m having HEALTH issues. Even with all my stuff in the past gone, I still cannot perform like a 35-year-old. I won’t go into specifics here, as it is TMI for others reading this, but you know it already. And we simply cannot have a dog while we have Dottie, and I’m not getting rid of her and would love you less if you got rid of her. It would be great if you could get your own housing and we could put this relationship together a piece at a time, instead of all at once, but I don’t see that happening. If you can make it happen, great! In the meantime, the past issues we are hurt by the most are YOUR past relationship issues, which cause your insecurities – asnd the way you treat my cat, who is strange enough without you activeoly disliking her just because of your ex’s cat. I love you and we’ll talk about this later.