Not quite

Things are still sorting themselves out here at Hippo Haven. I know I have the right honey, but I don’t think she knows who or what I am yet. Keep seeing signs things are getting better, and then they fall off the edge again. I try to provide a safe place, but it has not been safe for me these past 6 months, despite all the positive things I’ve seen developing and that I hope continue developing. Honey does not like it here — she likes the scenery but not the house, always wants to leave when I get home — when I need to just sit down and recover from my day. I can’t blame her much for not liking the house, but she hasn’t done much of anything to help me make it better. I do at least half of the housework, in addition to my working. The expense for gasoline has been skyrocketing, even though gas prices are still lower than they were a few months back, which means she wants to get away so badly that she’ll drive anywhere. And the manipulation level has been either steady or climbing, I’m not sure which. Which means she doesn’t like me the way I am, she wants me to be what she wants. Tantrums (tantra?) and fighting develop from that.

I’ve probably done more yelling and screaming in defense of myself and who I am and want to be (yes, I know that the yelling and screaming are not acceptable) than I have done in any of my relationships except my first marriage (where the woman I was married to didn’t consider me a “real man” unless I hit her like her daddy did, and was angry enough about being hit so much by her daddy that I was wrong even when she COULD goad me into a fight). I thought I had completely dropped the ability to be triggered from my personality, I had worked on it. At the very least, my time with Sunshine shows me what work I still need to do there, but I still should not be a pushover for anyone who wants me to be their idea of who I should be. I’m not going to say how badly things fell off the table last night, maybe I’ll talk about it later when it’s all sorted out.

I really believe this will blow over and we will be better and together. Sunshine has her therapist appointment today, and he’s a good guy. I don’t get mine until the middle of next month, with a new therapist (to avoid a conflict of interest with her therapist). That’s going to be tough. But I can get through it, and she can get through it, and I hope we get through it together.

Prayers, thoughts, and comments are welcome.

Hugs,

Me