Top 12 Reasons That Gays Should Not Marry

1. Homosexuality is not natural — you know, much like eyeglasses, polyester, indoor plumbing, and birth control.

2. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. As
we all know, infertile couples and old people shouldn’t be able to get
legally married because, after all, the world needs more children to
increase its population of six billion plus.

3. Obviously, gay parents will raise gay children — after all, straight parents only raise straight children, right? Right?

4. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage is
allowed. I mean, Britney Spears’ 55-hour marital romp was so deep and
meaningful.

5. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed
at all, right? (Oops — I kinda forgot about “women are property,”
“blacks can’t marry whites,” “only husbands can initiate divorce” and
“birth control is illegal.”)

6. Gay marriage issues should be decided by people, not the courts,
because the majority-elected legislatures, not courts, have
historically protected the rights of the minorities.

7. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours,
the values of one religion should always be imposed on the entire
country. That’s why we have only one religion in America — the one
true religion, you know.

8. Gay marriage will make people gay — much in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

9. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy
behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has
legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

10. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model
at home. That’s why single parents are forbidden by law to raise
children.

11. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society. Heterosexual
marriage has been around for a long time, and we could never adapt to
new social norms — after all, we haven’t been able to adapt to things
like horseless carriages, or voting women, or doubled lifespans, or men
walking on the moon, cell phones, computers or anything like that.

12. Civil unions, providing most of the same benefits as marriage with
a different name are better, because a “separate but equal” institution
is always constitutional. Separate schools and water fountains for
African-Americans worked just as well as separate marriages for gays
and lesbians will.