Your Alcoholic Horoscope<\/p>\n
ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
\ndon’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak
\nmakes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re
\nsloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a
\ncouple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods
\nfail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
\nwhatever happened should be forgiven by sunrise. They can be counted on
\nto do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything
\nreally horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.<\/p>\n
TAURUS: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a
\nmellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
\nTaurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
\ninebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
\nemployers, the preference for wining and dining to body shots and
\nbarfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say that
\nthe Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will
\nget, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is
\nextremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.<\/p>\n
GEMINI: Geminis can drink without changing their behavior much —
\nthey’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just
\nhard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you conversing with finesse and
\nallusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of
\nintoxication, like puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic
\nability to flirt successfully with several people at once. They like to
\norder different cocktails every round — repetition is boring —
\nand may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
\nlimoncello) for their own amusement.<\/p>\n
CANCER: Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or
\nan after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer
\ndarling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
\nagainst lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties
\nand insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood
\nstyle, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get “tired
\nand emotional” (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing
\nbetter than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red
\nwine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will
\ndo. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you
\nserved up a vanilla vodka and soda.<\/p>\n
LEO: Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers,
\nand usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding
\ndignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re
\ndarling – Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their
\nlimit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get
\nover-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what brung them. But
\nLeo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to
\nignore it and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to
\nyou the next day.<\/p>\n
VIRGO: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender.
\nTheir famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than
\nother signs, sure — but it could also lead to drinking booze
\nneat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They
\nrarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s
\ncontrolled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking
\nwithin, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy. As
\none Virgo friend used to declare, “I’m going to drink myself into a low
\nlevel of intelligence tonight.” A toast to the subgenius IQ!<\/p>\n
LIBRA: “I’m just a social drinker,” slurs Libra, “it’s just that I’m so
\ndamn social!” Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate
\nto everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Friend
\ndevice set to “on”) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little
\ninstigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
\nCharming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,
\nhowever, which can get them into all sorts of trouble – including
\nwearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting
\nwith every man\/woman in the room or even blacking out the night’s
\nevents entirely. Oops!<\/p>\n
SCORPIO: Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk
\nat you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re
\nhog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
\nand screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
\nsauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a
\npersonality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps
\nseek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating
\ndrinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They
\nalso remember everything — especially what you did when you were
\nblitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.<\/p>\n
SAGITTARIUS: In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze
\nblurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of
\ntheir own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
\nwith. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
\nfrom the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna
\nNicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room,
\nthen persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a
\nnightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are
\nsure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping;
\nspontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).<\/p>\n
CAPRICORN: Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast,
\nmoney-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the
\nastrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie
\nand Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true
\nrock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too
\neager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you
\nto quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or
\ntotally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to
\nloosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook
\nup with a cute groupie.<\/p>\n
AQUARIUS: Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well (except for
\nwater, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism,
\nand if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a
\nstain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing,
\nhowever, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative —
\nand they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately,
\nthey’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best
\ndesignated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their
\nwrist). Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
\ninteresting conversations with soused strangers while sober.<\/p>\n
PISCES: If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you
\nshare a sign and an addictive personality — with Liz Taylor, Liza
\nMinelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose
\nthemselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give,
\nbut they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive
\ndate like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting
\npartners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right
\nPisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up
\nin bed together for days. The phrase “addictive personality” can be
\nread two ways, you know.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Your Alcoholic Horoscope ARIES: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-799","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=799"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/799\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=799"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=799"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/peacefulhippo.us\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=799"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}