Canadian
Crossings

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into
Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased
patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush
is prompting the exodus among Left-leaning citizens who fear they’ll
soon be required to hunt, pray  and agree with Bill O’Reilly.

Canadian
border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their
fields at night.
“I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn’t have any, he left. Didn’t even
get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?”

In an effort to stop the
illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals
scaled
them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across
the fields. “Not real effective,” he said. “The liberals still
got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn’t give
milk.”

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. “A lot of these
people are not prepared for rugged conditions,” an Ontario border
patrolman said. “I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.
They
did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.”

When liberals
are caught, they’re sent back across the border, often wailing loudly
that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been
circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in
which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.

In
the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as
senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the
supposed senior-citizen passengers. “If they can’t identify the
accordion
player on The Lawrence Welk  Show, we get suspicious about their age,”
an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan
Sarandon movies. “I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian
economy just can’t support them,” an Ottawa resident said. 
“How many art-history majors does one country need?”

In an effort to
ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice-President Dick
Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the
administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close
to Cheney said. “We’re going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts.
And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president
is determined to reach out.”