When you understand this fundamental truth about sadness, that it is unreal and an illusory product of your mind you will no longer feel such a strong need to defend your right to be sad. You’ll realize that when you argue for your rights to be sad and depressed the only thing you get for your effort is more sadness. Begin to opt for the higher spiritual energy of joy. Ultimately this energy will be your natural state. When you study the lives of sages and saints you discover that they are joyful, free, and feel a profound love for every living creature. Sadness is not a part of their repertoire.
Wayne Dyer, There’s a Spiritual Solution to Every Problem

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In humility is the greatest freedom.

As long as you have to defend the imaginary self that you think is important, you lose your peace of heart. As soon as you compare that shadow with the shadows of other people, you lose all joy, because you have begun to trade in unrealities and there is no joy in things that do not exist.

– Thomas Merton

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This weekend is being held the only local SF & Gaming Convention in the Asheville area, called Revoluticon.  As last year, I am the Filk Guest.  Hey, I’m the only filker within 100 miles of here, LOL.

But I got something done that took me 52 years (or at least 40).  I’ve been a musician (singer and/or instrumentalist) virtually my whole life, and it is the single thing I am best at that I can point to.  I let my parents control me into thinking that I would never be “good enough to make money with it”, and that therefore I should be critical of myself to the point of tears and just give it up.

I suppose if you spend as much time as I do posting spiritual affirmations and advice, eventually it sinks in… which is why I am doing this blog.  I hope the stuff I post here helps you, but I know it is helping me.

Well, I never gave it up.  But I stopped enjoying music… and allowed myself to enjoy performing (different thing… I can be hypercritical of my voice and guitar, and still notice the reactions from the audience and get a high on that).

It was less than two years ago that I allowed myself to notice that I took no joy or fun from the music itself (or did not allow myself to enjoy it).  Someone asked me why I played if I didn’t enjoy it, and my answer was “Because if I stop, my Mom wins.”  …and then noticed that, by not enjoying it, she already had.  (Note: I am fully aware that I’m referring to the “mother in my head” and not the real person who is my mother.)

Well, it has taken me this long to understand what I have to do to win.  I played all day yesterday without judging myself, and just let myself have a good time.  It was not a total success, but still was a HUGE step for me.  And on top of that, I have another day of the convention, including another concert today from 4-6, to get the hang of it.

Let me tell you, having friends stay with me is a huge part of allowing myself the space to do this.  And those of you reading and responding to my blog are a part of that, for which I am very thankful.

Hugs,
Me