Rough patch for Sunshine, for me

I’m doing all right. Getting a little better in the anger management department, have to take a long view on that. I want to express that my worst anger so far has only resulted in shouting, or in banging a plastic coffee cup on the sink (once each on two different occasions, hard enough that I threw the cup away after the second time). I am saying that so you know that I have not hit anyone and have almost not hit anything.

Just had a situation I don’t feel safe writing about so I won’t. Had to do with a baby doll, not my honey. Probably should write about it, but I’ll wait for another day when it’s not so itchy.

I also wanted to say (before I was interrupted) that when I lose my temper, I manage to not yell anything (or much of anything) I would regret. All my statements are true, if only on the feeling level, and are intended to get Sunshine to start thinking (yeah, as if you start thinking when a monster is yelling at you). I have not ever called her names, and the only things which could be put-downs are telling her how she triggered me (sometimes going to the point of angrily suggesting it was willful, which has to hurt and I know is not true).

My Sunshine is not the smartest person I know. But she’s not dumb either. She has severe swings of “age of personality”, spending lots of time in infant or very young levels. I take enough heat over her being younger than I am, and when someone sees her in a regressed state, they look at me like I’m a pedophile. But I’m exactly not that. I do not get excited except when she’s in her adult level, and I take care of her with all the compassion in the world when she’s in a regressed level. Maybe she needs a daddy, she never had one, but I’m not it. I’m her friend, her helper… and an imperfect human being who sometimes gets triggered himself. I would say that 85% or more of the time I’m helpful to her, and we really love each other. She has been put down so many times in so many ways. She keeps telling me in wonder, ” But you want me to be ME. Nobody else ever wanted that. I always had to be what THEY wanted.”

I’m typing some of this to say that I usually talk about my flaws, to the point that you might think I’m nothing but flaws. But I have been the best thing that ever happened to this woman — and this child, and I REFUSE to take advantage of that position. I wish I were better, but I’m by far the best she has had and we’re working on it. This is the first relationship I’ve ever been in where she wants to work on the relationship as hard as I do, and where neither of us ever heads for the exits when things get tough. We both need this, and we will both get the healing we need from this.

Hugs,
Me