Not good

I had to worry about my honey leaving me for two days. She never brought it up, although she pointed to a sentence buried in a paragraph in her blog, and was about to take off without me knowing a thing about it. Eventually she decided she didn’t have the money to go (like I could have told her that).

I had my boss give me a new work project, one which requires me to get into their VERY BUGGY accounting software and not mess it up. She says I can work up to an extra hour per day. This is helpful, as Social Security finally discovered that TennCare was not picking up my Medicare premium anymore (the job puts me over the resource limit for TennCare and Food Stamps), and they are taking $300 out of my check next month and $100 a month after that.  So I came home and started making preparations to be able to leave for work earlier.

And then, just as I get sleepy enough to go to sleep and roll over to do so, my honey throws another of her tantrums she called “nightmares”. I have to wake up and take care of her, and no amount of taking care of her is good enough, and she triggers me to start screaming at her again, and she won’t even let me calm myself down. I’m supposed to take care of her, be damned that I need taking care of and don’t have anything left to take care of her with. I finally can’t take it any more and get up and go to the living room to be left alone. She does not do so, and even turns the light on (TWICE, with me begging her not to do so). I need to sleep, and she is doing everything she possibly can to wake me up.  The hell of it is, she doesn’t even remember the first half of the fight.

One time I actually tried to record one of these fights to show that I was not making things up that were being said and done. She tried to destroy the recording device almost as soon as I turned it on. She doesn’t want to know what she is doing, she just wants me to feel awful and take the blame for everything.

This morning I was feeling horrible about it. I have not had sufficient sleep and still have to go to work early. She wanted to open up the argument again, with me begging her not to. She did it anyhow.

I can’t keep driving to work in tears. I don’t want to hurt her, but she keeps hurting me BADLY. The worst part is, while she is tearing my heart apart she is accusing me of pulling away from her or being afraid she is losing me. HELLO! YOU KEEP HURTING ME AND IT IS IN MY BEST INTERESTS TO NOT BE HERE. I’M NOT THE ONE THROWING THE KNIVES.

I know she is a good person with a good heart. I have no idea what triggers her to feel so insecure that she wants to PROVE SHE IS RIGHT TO FEEL INSECURE BY SHOVING ME AWAY. I guess if I go away she is right.

Hard to do, when it is my place, all my stuff is here, I’m paying for everything. I do not feel appreciated for all the things I am doing — about 10% of the time. My honey is wonderful and then some 90% of the time. The biggest issue is that she doesn’t remember about half of what she does to trigger me, and no matter how much I talk about it, the same triggers get trotted out each time. I can’t defuse them. To be honest, this is happening less often, but I am getting no better at dealing with it when it happens.

I will probably delete this blog really soon. I don’t want to feel like I’m saying hateful things about my honey, no matter how true they are.

Crying again,

Me