Running scared

I’ve been improving my interactions with my sweetie for months now, and just when I think I’m getting close…

She has sent me off to work 3 of the last 4 workdays with me in tears. This morning I got up to leave and wanted my goodbye hug and kiss, and she got up to hug me and said in my ear, “I don’t think you love me anymore.” Funny, I thought I loved her more.

Truth is, she was going today to a hearing specialist. Her self-esteem has never been very high, and she was afraid I could not love her if she was deaf. The combination of not loving herself and believing herself to be even more disabled caused her to project those fears onto me.

She did apologize. She has been out all day and will not be home until later. We’ll see what I can do to make her feel better when she gets home.

I don’t think I would have taken all this time to get advice and help and support if I just wanted to drop her. I don’t even want to think of what she would do, with her current thinking, if I did, but that’s way down the list. First on the list is, I really love this woman. (Second is, I’m trying really hard to show her that, and third is I’m trying just as hard to keep myself stable so she has someone to love and support her.)

She went to the specialist, and they basically told her there is nothing wrong and that they would send the test results to her health care PCP. I know they could not have gotten those results; maybe they wanted the PCP to break the news to her. I wish I knew when the health care office will call her with the real results. Her NP already told her she tested her at less than 50% hearing in both ears.

I hope I can ease her fears, and get her to stop projecting them onto me. I love you, Sunshine.

Hugs,

Me