Cocked and loaded
I’ve been complaining about my honey’s triggering me, even in her sleep. She complains about me triggering her (usually second offense, which should only count in the NFL). My fault, or I’m at least complicit.
The past two nights found me cuddling my honey about 3:30 in the morning. About 4:30, I find myself still up against my honey as if I’m cuddling her, but with my arms retracted, almost as though I had tardive dyskinesia or something — and that’s when she has her nightmares and starts tugging at my arms to hold her. The tugging is what triggers me, and we start having a crying fight.
I don’t know what gets me started, why I withdraw my arms, but after it happens two nights in a row and that’s not the first time, that’s when I start questioning myself instead of blaming her for tugging on my arm. I may have some issues of having not been EXACTLY the right guy for a previous woman. And sweetie may be triggering those feelings. But that’s no reason for me to cock the trigger FOR her and wait for her to trigger it.
The fear here is being made into someone I’m not. It has been tried before, many times in my nearly 60 years of life, and has always led to a breakup because I’m NOT “Mr. Putty”. (See the Don Henry song of that name.) Don’t want to be someone else. Don’t want to fit someone else’s preconceived notion of what I should be, how I should act. And yes, there is some of that here, and my attempts to compromise have not been successful yet but I’m not giving up. But there is absolutely NO grounds for screaming “I’M NOT A FUCKING PUPPET” at 4:30 in the morning. Sorry, that doesn’t wash.
Back to the drawing board. And I love my honey. Some triggers only get properly cleaned after they’ve gone off a few too many times for being dirty.
Hugs,
Me
I’ve got to hand it to you, Moss! For all the years I’ve known you, be it cyber only, you are one hell of a guy! When something goes wrong, instead of giving up, you always go back to the drawing board to see what went wrong and try it a new way. Your posts are always very honest but never full of “woe is me”. I think your lady is a lucky lady and I truly wish the two of you well in working things out!
@Moonlit_Lass – You’ve been an inspiration to me, Megan, as you have never given up in your struggles. I’ve been hurt a lot, I hurt a lot from time to time, but there is no need to live in that space. My sweetie and I love each other, and the fact that we are each damaged by past relationships means we need to fix it, not wait for the Perfect Person For Whom It All Goes Away Automatically. I’m not one for whistling in the dark, as it were. I’m so glad to see you back on Xanga!
Thank you, Moss! I so needed to hear that today!You are indeed a very wise man. There is no such thing as the Perfect Person For Whom It All Goes Away Automatically.